The Pursuit of Bacon: A Comparison

So there’s this poster next to the front desk where I am working, yeah?

“SAFETY IS NO ACCIDENT”, with the standard “We have been ___ days without AN ACCIDENT– previous record ___ DAYS.”

If SAFETY is “NO ACCIDENT”, then stop calling them “accidents”. Call them “incidents”. Plus “incident” sounds cooler, and heavier. Like a ONE TWO PUNCH TO YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

Also I like to capitalize shit in parody.

Fuck yeah.

Also, I have learned that the maintenance crews need to fill out a WORK ORDER TO UNSTICK GUM FROM A RUG.

That’s just overdoing it, Department of Labor. I get that chemicals and equipment can get expensive, but why do THAT MUCH PAPERWORK for a job that takes less than an hour? Have a sign-out sheet.

Requiring a work order, for gum no less, is like the following pursuit of bacon:

1) Fill out a requisition form for 1 live pig (additional forms required for each additional pig)

2) Fill and sign a work order to have the pig butchered.

3) Go to another department, and file an application to have the pig smoked.

4) Have that application denied. Apply again with different, more politically correct wording.

5) Congratulations, your pig is smoked. Go back to your original department, and then file a work order to have the bacon taken from the pig.

6) Enjoy your bacon.


As opposed to how the rest of the world does it.


1) “Honey, I’m going to Safeway for some bacon. Be back in about half an hour.”

2) “That’s fine dear.”

3) “I’ll be on my cell. Call me if you need anything.”

4) Drive to store.

5) Pick up bacon.





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