Rough days

These days, I am doing my best to keep up with the completely realistic expectations that are being placed upon me at work.

Doing my best, and still failing, mind you.

There’s nothing special about what I’m being asked to do. Why can’t I seem to do it? Two chapters a week is all I’m asked, and I’m barely managing one.

The further behind I land, the more futile my efforts to catch up become. There is just so much to memorize. So much to learn and comprehend, and once again, and not by choice, I am approaching my wit’s end.

I’m told I have a brilliant mind, but it rarely cooperates. I want a brain like the machines I am working on; once set to a task, it does nothing else until the task is finished or alterations are made. I am burning out because my brain, while powerful and brilliant, is simply too unfocused and inefficient. I am working as fast and as well as I can, and it is still not enough to reach normal work load deadlines. Do I cheat? Being dishonest seems to me the only way to meet my quota. But if I choose to violate my code, then what good is there in having a moral code to begin with?

If honesty is what is truly holding me back and keeping me from success, then is success, which would then by logical association demand dishonesty, even worth it?

I try to live my life with a clear conscience. I don’t want to be a cheat or a fraud, nor do I wish to feel like one. But at my current junction, I see no other way to advance with the speed required of me.

What to do?

 

 

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