Le coping

I don’t know what I should do. Job Corps is sucking my very soul and I need to get out.

I hate stepping on the toes of the staff who have been very supportive and caring; and I’m hurting a few feelings by leaving before I complete. It doesn’t make me feel good, but logic dictates that time will heal those wounds. It is refreshing when I can turn to logic; it is dispassionate and strategic; it is unburdened by feeling or sympathy, and allows me to make the hardest calls in my life.

To be able to put my heart aside, to be able to calculate and think straight, is one of life’s greatest blessings; and one I would never give up under any circumstances.

I’m not a person who can always feel. Often, I must stop, face myself in a mirror, and shout at myself “FEEL STRONGLY LATER!”

From then on, it is VULCAN MODE ENGAGED.

It’s not fun but it doesn’t matter. Logic is one of my final retreats. If I’ve retreated into logic mode, it means I am so overwhelmed there is no other recourse. It means I am too embarrassed, too pained, or too angry to stand myself any longer. Trying to shake me out of it is the WORST. POSSIBLE. PLAN.

Don’t ever attempt it. I will not be pretty if I am shaken out of Logic Land.

You may ask me what caused it later. Ask me my motives, my reasonings, etc.

But only do so after I have voluntarily lowered my shields. Breaking them down will only make things worse.

So when my boss attempted to do just that this morning, I want to cave his skull in. I managed to escape back into logic just quickly enough to prevent this. My face goes blank, my eyes almost glaze over (instead of making eye contact, I look at the nose or mouth, sometimes the hairstyle) and my words stop. I gather data. Process information. Rude? Possibly. Keeping me alert and not “beat-y”? Certainly.

Fortunately, he did not attempt this twice. I am grateful to him for that. I’ve seen what I’m like when I am yanked out of my psychological hidey hole, and I hate myself for what I do when that happens.

I have two stages of refuge:

1) Dreams.

If you read that other blog I write, you know dreams are a little important to me. Over the years I have learned how to control my actions on the dream plane and manipulate things around me there. Regardless of whether you believe in my set of gods or not, trust me that I find immeasurable amounts of rest and safety in dreams. Often, just the knowledge that I can take a nap and dive right into dreaming after the work day is enough to get me through a hard day.

2) Logic

If a day is so rough that I cannot make it to a point in which I can achieve dreaming sleep, I let logic take over. Emotions take a backseat to raw math and calculation. Does the instruction make logical sense? If yes, awesome. If no, refine your damn instructions until they do. If you’re a good boss, you should be able to do so. I will never be harsh or obstinate while in this state, but I will be a lot more detached and unfeeling.

If both these methods fail because of outside interference, gods help you.

So back to Job Corps. How does this all tie in?

I enter logic mode a LOT here. And often, I am forcibly rattled out of it which leads to wholesale fury that I must SOMEHOW keep in check.

Simply put, I am run out of goodwill. I have seen how often I am cast into logic mode, and I know that that is not a healthy environment.

Too often I come home to listen to heavy metal, rage, and then I apathy myself to sleep and don’t wake up for 8-9 hours. There is no way that is the mark of a mind residing in a productive environment.

So I’m leaving. And that’s that.

Emotion failed. Logic failed.

The problem is therefore judged as not feasibly surmountable.

And that’s my speech.

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