Winter break is coming fast now, but it will be tinged this year with regret. There are things that I did I wish I hadn’t, things I didn’t do that I wish I had, and very little I can do now will make those things right. The past is the past; I know I should let it go and move on.
So why can’t I?
Why do I still dream about these things I can’t change as though I could? What is the lesson in this? Something I’m missing?
My armor has been taken from me, my safebox of emotion smashed. I have nowhere to hide, nowhere to feel safe. I can’t take my pain and lock it away this time. I still wonder what I might have done, even though my opportunity in which to do differently is already past. I dream at night of being forgiven, but if that’s possible, it’s a long way off.
I hurt, and I cover it up with a forced levity. My dormmates go a long way to help, but every night I still wonder and feel.
Is there anything I might have done or not done that could have prevented all this? Or was it doomed by it’s very nature?
As my character Lexine has etched into her wall:
Odi et amo, quare id facere forasse requiris… Nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
“I hate and I love… You ask me why I do this, and I do not know, but I feel and am tormented.”